Please note I’ve linked to Amazon for convenience as you can often find these books in good condition for next to nothing plus shipping. Look for clean, unmarked books without highlighting from the resellers. I have no monetary connection to Amazon. I have not monetized this blog with Amazon, any used book sellers, or with advertisers that may appear on this blog. Ads that may appear in this blog are placed by WordPress and are not under my control. 

Outgrowing The Pain Together    Eliana Gil

This is a small book that covers 5 types of abuse, including sexual, physical, and verbal. Of course I bought this because I needed some help with my partner. However, I found it helpful in understanding  the ramifications of the physical and verbal abuse I received. The results of that abuse is remarkably similar and the same as sexual abuse.

Ghosts In The Bedroom: A Guide For Partners of Incest Survivors   Ken Graber, MA

I could not help but put this toward the top of the list as is in my opinion the best as far as explaining what happened to a survivors mind and body because of incest. Even at only 150 pages, in my mind it is complete. Every paragraph is dense and should be read slowly. After reading this book, all other books about sex abuse and incest seem repetitious. It does not deal with sexual repair. If you want to understand your survivor / partner and support him or her, this is what you want to read (in addition to participation in therapy for yourself.) One page or so on splitting off and dissociation.

Allies In Healing: When The Person You Love Was Abused Sexually Abused As  A Chiled   Laura Davis

Very good reference with the caveat that if you have not accepted the fact you are in a relationship with a sex abuse survivor, some chapters may be discouraging and may experience anger. That is what I felt when I read it the first time. Make sure any anger you feel is directed toward those who deserve it. Written in a question and answer format. Ms. Davis answers the hard questions of staying in a relationship with a sex abuse survivor. A couple of very good pages on D.I.D.

Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide To Survivors Of Sexual Abuse     Wendy Maltz

Not the beginners reference and is written with the survivor uppermost. The whys of dissociation typical of a sex abuse survivor are covered, but not how to handle D.I.D. Restoring a sexual relationship with someone who has D.I.D. is the toward the end of a journey that may never end. The book includes exercises to develop physical intimacy with a sex abuse survivor from the place where survivors and their partners start: celibacy wether formally agreed to or not. To use this book, you and your partner have to be committed to be completely honest with what each is experiencing emotionally. We tried this before my partner was ready, even though she said she was (in order to please me.) We have this book which may prove to be very helpful, but I do not plan on using it without the guidance and supervision of a therapist.

Lovers & Survivors: A Partners Guide to Living and Loving A Sexual Abuse Survivor    S. Yvette de Beixedon, PhD

Similar to Sexual Healing Journey in that is has a section of physical exercises, but different as the book is directed to the partner. I like the questions that are asked for the partner to respond to in some written form. (Some of my responses are the post of this blog.) As far as the exercises go, I think the S.H.J is better, but three chapters, 5] Real vs. Ideal, 6] Modifying Your Love Relationship For Health and Healing, and 7] Being A Partner really get down to what a solid, fulfilling intimate relationship is all about. Any relationship could benefit by reading these three chapters.  After reading these three chapters to myself, I had Susan read them and we discussed them at length.

When The Woman You Loved Was Abused  Dawn Scott Jones

Unless something has changed this won’t be a cheap buy. Written by a female evangelical Christian minister who is also a sex abuse survivor. If religious references turn you off, this may not be the book foy you.  Covers the stages a survivor goes through – denying the truth, surviving the crisis, grief etc. but misses emphasizing the process is not linear. Remind yourself of that and you will be OK. About a page reference to D.I.D. In my mind the best chapters deal with the survivor not being at fault and forgiveness and what it really is. I also found the authors personal story of the affect the abuse had on her first marriage refreshing and at times maddening.

Haunted Marriage: Overcoming The Ghosts Of Your Spouse’s Abuse   Carl E. Barshinger, PhD et al

Also a Christian based book, but not as overtly religious as the Jones volume. A twist on the usual approach as one of the co-writers is the husband of a sex abuse survivor. Opening my copy, I found a lot of notes where I was talking back to the authors. You don’t have to agree with everything to find something useful. Actually you may find some of your own truths. The book offers a no divorce approach as this forces the couple to “be miserable or grow.” I may have overlooked what they would suggest if one of the partners does not want to grow. Useful to read another partner reflect your own thoughts. The survivor does not have D.I.D.


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