Since we returned from our trip Susan has been beating on herself. Physically beating on herself with assorted household implements. A couple of weeks ago I found blood on our bedding. It took me a couple of days to figure out why it was there. I did not feel sorry; I felt sickened. I ordered her to wash the offending item immediately.
About a week ago, she told me she wanted to show me the (continued) results of her beating on herself so I “would feel sorry for her.” What the fuck? Like I have not showed sympathy and empathy for what happened to her.
Then Monday morning, I while getting dressed and found something was not right when I was closing up the belt. The buckle was on my left instead of on the right hand side. This time it only took a couple of hours to discern she removed the belt from my pants, beat on herself then put the belt back on the pants the wrong way. I confronted, not by asking if she removed the belt, but telling her I loved her but never do that again. Her response was most telling.
“How did you know? I thought I put it back on the right way.”
No denial. No shame. No apology. She did say she would not do that again but I don’t believe her.
Yesterday she saw her therapist, who told her she must apologize to me. She told me so, but then went on to give me four bullshit reasons why she hurts herself. I don’t remember what they are because I don’t give a shit. I am still waiting for the apology. Not that would make much difference at this point. My empathy is gone. My caring is gone. Patience is gone. Sympathy is gone. I feel sad for anyone who was sexually abused. I feel sad for anyone with D.I.D. My depth of caring about her abuse is no more than any one else. My well is dry.
I don’t want to sleep in the same bed with her. I don’t see much need to talk to her, other than to tell her I can no longer take what she is giving out. She can sit around the house and dissociate all she wants. I don’t care. She and the people within her want me to experience and re-experience her abuse. I’m no longer going to accept any repercussions of her abuse.
Go to hell, all of you.