Susan left a couple of days ago to visit with her sadly non-supportive sister. I’ll catch up with her next week where we drive to St. Augustine to meet up with one of our daughters and the grandsons. After that, we’ll drive back south to Orlando for the D.I.D. conference. I hope it is as informative for me as last years.
It’s very quiet at home. Just me and the cats. With Susan gone, they are now paying more attention to me; mostly I’m persona non grata. While the cats are in no way functional, they are decorative.
Sleep is hard to come by. The Black Dog is never far from me. Short sunlight and stress at work help the B.D. to come forward and be a near constant companion. He figuratively wakes me up in the morning by pulling the blankets and sheet off of me to make his presence known as soon as I open my eyes. I never fall asleep until he does, despite the sleeping and anti anxiety meds. If the Black Dog does not sleep, neither do I have my own bag of stink that I’ve carried for years. Sometimes I can get some of the weight out of it and lighten the load. Other times
I am grateful, that for the next few days, I will not have a daily living reminder of horrid sex abuse to see every day. I am glad Susan can visit with her family. I do not want her to go away, or me go away from her. We partners of survivors need a break from the turmoil and shitty mess that we and our partners have to deal with every day. Did she self mutilate? Can I hug her today? Has one of the “kids” taken over while she was driving and get her lost or realize the kid does not know how to drive? For our very own survival we have to take care of ourselves.
I hang on the best I can during the tough days and weeks. Sometime that’s all I can do. Then one day, with no explanation and without making a sound, the Black Dog finds his way a bit further from my presence until I notice him far down the road, sitting near a fence in the shade of a gnarled red oak. One of these days, I will notice when hs is leaving, I will give him a good head and chin scratch.
I never met any dog that doesn’t love a good head scratch.