Monthly Archives: April 2015

Empty Vessel

Susan still has not started “memory work.” It seems every time she and her therapist get close to having someone come forward and share the horrors they hold something comes up that sets her back. Something is working though because someone revealed that her father abused her for a couple more years. So at least until she was 12, but God at this point is theVessel only one that knows when it really ended.

She’s pissed at me because I am not sympathetic enough for her. She wants me to tell her often how sorry I am for her, how much I know she hurts. On one hand, she can’t give that to herself. If she can’t give that to herself and allow her to think that for herself, me telling her (and I have on many occasions) will not really make any difference. As my therapist mentioned this past week, it’s like a teenager that is very unsure of his/her appearance and often asking friends if they think are good-looking. The friends will say yes but the self-conscious teen still thinks the same.

Then on the other hand, I have become an empty bottle, with nothing to give to anyone. Not even something for myself.

I’ve been working solo at my job for almost two months now and in need of another tech person to whom I can delegate some tasks. Being the somewhat timid and people pleasing person that I am, I’ve hesitated to ask for help (Someone would think I’m not a good worker if I asked for help.) The company has asked me to become licensed to submit work in another state which requires a special test that has a 56% passing rate. When I heard that, I started to go into full linear panic mode.

In addition, I’ve been working a on the side for another office doing peer review work some evenings. and weekends. I can’t say no because I don’t want to lose them as a source of extra money or more importantly, allow them to think I’m not a reliable, good worker and person.

In the process of trying to please and placate everyone, I have nothing to give to myself. Or to those closest to me.

Here’s what I am doing about it:

I have two peer review project to finish in the next couple of days. When they are done, I will send the side job company an email explaining that I have to study for the exam and I can’t take on any extra work until around the first of July.

I will block out some days during the next 7-8 weeks to take a break from work and study for me time. I plan to do some fishing. My therapist says I need something to look forward to and take a breather.

I will do my best at my job, and complete what ever work I have in a reasonable time frame. I’ve already asked if there is anything I can do to help find another worker.


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