I don’t like what I am feeling.
I don’t know what it would look like to say, think, and really believe that I give up. Acceptance is not giving up. I don’t feel like I can accept what is going on.
I thank God I am again employed full-time as it gets me out of the house and is a total distraction from home life. I come home worn out and we usually eat some sandwiches for dinner or something that she has concocted from an array of seemingly unrelated edibles. She expects me to always state how I think about the meal and if I don’t offer my thoughts on the meal before I am asked it is taken as prima facie evidence that I didn’t like the meal which in turns means I hate her. If I offer something less than “excellent”, it’s taken as a message of dislike for the meal and for her. So much for
We have our evening meal and watch some TV for an hour or so and then I find something to do on my own. Our habit of going to bed together has changed over the last month. I now go to bed at my usual time and she stays in the living room and continues to watch the TV. I read some then often fall asleep before she comes to the bedroom. Susan gets up at 4 or 5 AM and sleeps in the living room for a while, so she’s not really around when I wake up.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I’ve lost the drive or energy to maintain some of the routine we’ve had over they years. I scared to death that I don’t care anymore.
We are supposed to go up north for a week of ‘vacation’ in about a month and I’m not really sure I want to go. I’m not sure I can interact with someone who is so totally lost within herself and afraid of everything that could / maybe / might / possibly happen. We do an excellent job of keeping up our appearance to family and people at church. I’m getting tired of the game.