Susan goes through cycles of dreams. Each cycle precedes or coincides with new memories of her sex abuse. I liken them to small pieces of film or video tape that gets spliced into the record she has in her mind. The disconnected snippets are placed among the others and eventually add up to whole scenes. Sometimes the scenes get linked in her mind to make more of the total, though not complete recording.
It’s a very sickening feature that she has told me in the past starts when she was around 3 years old until she was 11 when she reached into puberty and began menstruating. It made some sense to me that the King Rat Bastard would stop the abuse at that time as perhaps he had some feelings about the possibility of impregnating his daughter with a her own sibling (I really want to barf) and that he was getting into his later 50’s and could get his wrinkled dick up, the poor guy.
We were sitting quietly a few days ago as she told me she’s been having dreams about her father. I was not surprised. She asked me if she could tell me something what these dreams were about. I paused, held my breath for a moment, and said she could tell me about the dreams.
She told me she is dreaming about her father sexually abusing her past age 11. She was very matter of fact about it, which is not surprising since the one of the 18 people inside her hold the full horror, pain, shame, and guilt
God forbid! Please…no. How much more must she learn about the abuse? More pain that she has to dig up and experience again?
I’m in denial. Not that I would deny in any way shape or form that her dumb fuck of a father abused her into adolescence, maybe even when we met when we were 14. Just please, no! To me in my gut, this is thisclose to hearing Susan was sexually abused for the first time. How much will this revelation set her and us back? I am shocked and hurt by this information. I have to be strong – and have been – but I feel my foundation cracking.